Are you a "fixer"?

In many aspects, I am a fixer.  I would have never really labeled myself that, but I am.  When I left Florida in 2006 to head back to Tennessee, I was a mess.  A massively failed relationship, a job I really didn’t enjoy at all and the battles with my first health issues and nutritional problems.  My brother helped me get started on my health and nutrition issues by having me study pH balance and fix my eating habits.  That was getting better.  I still had no idea what I was going to do though.  Was I going to stay?  Where in the small town was I going to work? 

One week, I was approached, by our community center’s head guy about being a personal trainer there.  I’d worked out basically my entire life and had lifted weights since the age of 12.  It intrigued me a little, but was not persuaded.  Was I staying there?  With these unanswered questions, I had arrived at a weekend Tony Robbins event.  The last day of the event was all about health, nutrition and pH balance.  It all clicked for me that day.  I had my mission and it was to help others with the same things I was facing.  So, I went back and agreed to begin personal training.  That then led to my Crossfit affiliate.  This really kicked in my “fixer” trait.  For years, my main goal has been to help people and it still is.  As I went down this path though I began losing myself some.  I was so focused on helping someone get that new max lift, get people ready for competition and make sure every little kink was addressed and fixed that I began pushing my own needs aside.  My counselor also brought it to my attention that no matter how much someone says they want something and no matter how bad I want it for them, they ultimately had to do it.  It was their responsibility and I was harming myself by dwelling on it and trying to do it all for everyone.  She was right!  I also had a very wise friend that told me I needed to learn how to love and be detached.  How in the heck do you do that?

There are many things in life that we cannot control.  One of those is other people.  Everyone has free will and they will do what they want.  No matter how much you worry about them, try to help or “fix” their situation for them, it doesn’t work.  I would take on everyone else’s emotions and problems without even realizing it.   Soon after my friends discussion with me, I ran across a yoga show where a Yogi Cameron helped a child who was doing the same thing I was.  This little boy was 11 and had a charity for bullied kids. He was in an unhealthy spot though, because he would absorb and take on all their emotions as his own.  I found myself thinking, “that’s me.”  The host of the show explained to him that he really couldn’t help these people if he’s taking on all those emotions.  It weighs you down and it will depress you eventually.  The little boy had quit living his own life.  I was doing the same.  The host explained that he could still help and love, but he had to detach himself from their emotions.  It finally all clicked.  Ultimately, you just end up depleting your own energy to unhealthy levels.  It will take you down.  Everyone will have battles and face issues.  We can offer help and be there with healthy boundaries.  You must have the boundaries though or it will consume you. If you find yourself in this situation, recognize it and STOP!  Start implementing those boundaries to protect your own mental health.  You can’t be of help if you’re not healthy!  This too takes practice, because the other becomes a subconscious act.  I had to make sure I recognized it when it was happening and redirect my energies and let go of the emotions I would start bringing upon myself.  This gets hard especially with family.  You want everyone to be ok, be successful and live full lives, but once again it is their life to direct.  You can’t drive the bus for them.  Take moment and make sure you aren’t doing this and creating an unhealthy situation for yourself.  If you see your child doing it, please address it and help them understand it's not a healthy thing to do and help them redirect their energies in a better way.