Pearl Cleage had it right

I saw this quote from a book yesterday that really struck me; "...no woman can love a weak man hard enough to make him strong."  Pearl Cleage.  Wow! This is from her book
Just Wanna Testify: A Novel (West End #5).  I haven't read this book, so I can't tell you if it's good or not.  After that quote though it's on my list.

I'm a strong, independent woman with goals, visions and dreams that I won't let anyone else waylay.  This personality requires a strong male.  By strong, I mean mentally strong.  If you are mentally strong your stature won't matter.  

The most destructive relationship I was ever in could be summed up in that one quote.  If you find yourself here, RUN!!! In all seriousness though, I would constantly go out of my way to compliment him and bend to his expectations and critiques.  It absolutely ruined what self esteem I had at the time, shut down my heart and crippled my motivations.  I wasn't being consciously aware of what was happening and I missed all the red flags!  He was WEAK and he took all his insecurities and fears out on me!  

I knew it was all bad and wrong, but it took a physical altercation to wise up to what was going on and walk away.   A long journey ensued of finding myself and I swore that I would never let that happen again.  I also understood that my mind wasn't in a good place when I ran across him or I would've never fallen for that!  My red flag for myself should have been when I told myself, "Wow, why is this guy interested in me?"  You see, if my self esteem would have been better and I would have believed better things about myself I would've never said that!  Below are some red flags to watch for with men.

*When you experience success he either downplays it or totally discredits it.  This is especially difficult when the person you love sees no value in what you are interested in and doing.
*He critiques the way you dress and any behavior he can.  I didn't cut my food right.  I kind of stab my steak and commence sawing.  My eating habits are actually endearing just slightly messy.  I also never dressed to his expectations.
*He's extremely jealous.  If I did dress up and someone looked at me or he saw me talking with someone he didn't know, he would flip out.  I was on eggshells all the time. 
*He's overly apologetic and romantic after he messes up.  I would think, "Ok, he's sorry and he won't do it again." 
*He bends and twists things to look and feel the victim.  Somehow I magically made all these things happen just to make him feel bad or get angry.  Interesting, huh?
*He lies and is narcissistic.  Sheesh...This one does make me laugh now though.
*He postures and acts big and bad and then steps back as soon as his posturings are ignored. 

I'm positive there are more red flags, but these are just based on what I experienced.  Not all men are like this, but they are out there!  Share this with your daughters, sisters, mothers and granddaughters.  Help them know what to look for and recognize it.  I believe that people can change, but we can't change them.  These problems are theirs to face and deal with.  It requires personal growth and going to a place weak men don't want to go.  This is something many of us have dealt with through our dating lives and my hope is that we can spare some other women from this.  And no, it's not just the men.  This can be applied to women as well, but I am female and writing from that perspective.